Tag Archives: Faith

Chances Make Champions,Right?

My current place of employment is going through a transition and we are switching to a new management company. Throughout the initial process the new company has been somewhat secretive of their plans. They recently offered me a position and it has been a great debate about whether or not I should accept the job.  For those of you who don’t know, I work at a high school. The new management company is basically starting an entire new program that is K-12 opposed to 9-12. I haven’t the slightest clue what the curriculum or model of the school is going to be, that has yet to be disclosed. On top of that I believe everyone else at the current school was offered a slight raise with the new company and I was not, but that’s beside the point.

This might sound crazy, but I legitimately want to turn down the offer. It’s not about money or their secrecy. It’s about taking a chance on myself. My entire life, I say that as if I’m 65 years old and ready for retirement but you get my point…I’ve worked job after job, always exhausting my energy and never applying pressure to myself to make my dreams flourish. Is it risky business turning down a job in this economy, most certainly but is it even more risky to dedicate yourself to a job instead of living up to your potential,absolutely.  I have until May 5, 2017 to accept the offer and I’m honestly at a loss here. To sign or not to sign, that is the question. I don’t know if I should gamble on myself and not take the job and see where life leads me or continue being content with life working a mediocre job that pays the bills.

In my heart of hearts, I want to be that bold person that leaves the offer on the table to bet on myself, but do I have enough guts to actually do that? Not accepting the job means moving back to Michigan to live with my parents. I’m not too keen on living back with mommy and daddy. Declining would also mean working a job that I probably dislike, but I would have more time to dedicate myself to other things. Then there’s the fact that what if I don’t take the job and still don’t dedicate myself to my goals. Like WTF!? I know I’m being indecisive and I have to make a decision and live with that decision,but damn! How do you make a decision when you don’t know what decision is best in the long run? I wish I could have a glimpse into the next six months of my life, that would make my decision much easier.  Do you rely on stability, or do you take a chance? It’s not like I’m 19 years old and don’t have any bills. I’m 26 going on 27 with a car note, student loans and a costly AT&T bill that will be with me whether I have a job or not. At this moment, being an adult is overrated.

In the end, it is a matter of walking in faith or walking in fear.

 

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Pity-Party

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Have you ever felt defeated and just drained of the last ounce of hope and patience that you have? That’s how I feel today. I’m just tired. Tired of the redundancy of my job. Tired of school. Tired of not being appreciated. Tired of living a life that I don’t enjoy. Tired of waking up everyday dreading going to work, thinking of the task that I may be forced to face.

Maybe I’m writing this because I’m in a rather shitty mood,but everything I say is true,despite the fury in my words at the current moment.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for all that I have, even my job regardless of how much I currently dislike it. And yes, I’m aware that changing my life is in my hands, but that becomes  rather difficult when all the effort that you put into making a transition doesn’t seem to ever go in your favor.

Now I was fine this morning. My morning started with blueberry muffin and a coffee from Starbucks. I had my music blasting and enjoyed my Starbucks on the way to work.  I was even fine when I walked through the door at work, even though 99 people walk by one another and don’t bother to speak, but whatever! Then I got a missed a call. A call basically informing me that I didn’t get the job that I applied for.  It was one of those, please call back to discuss the next step of employment. I already knew it was a no, but my co-workers kept trying to convince me that I was wrong. I called back and that’s exactly what it was.

I can deal with not getting a job, but it pissed me off because I’m an internal applicant and they knew from day one that they weren’t going to hire me, but instead they put me through hoops giving me the illusion that I was eligible for the position. I understand formalities and all of that, but are you kidding me? Let’s just keep it 100 and not waste anybody’s time. The job was in another state and I think I just wanted so badly to move and to start over that it all together crushed my spirit and irritated the depth of my soul. After all this is the second time they’ve led me on about a job. I know what you’re thinking;Amber maybe you just suck. Nope,I got exceeds expectations on my last performance review and I’ve gotten three awards since being employed. I do my job, and I think I do it well. As my mother said, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

Despite that shit storm, in general nothing seems to be going my way. Every job I’ve applied for, denied. Every query letter I’ve sent for my books, declined. I even suck at being in college. 120 credits but my residency requirement hasn’t been fulfilled;degree declined. Let’s not mention the fact that Donald Trump won the presidential election last night. That alone has me ready to dive off of a cliff. Like what theeeeeee fuck!?!

Let me have my 60 second pity party, y’all. I’m going to pull it together and I know things could be worse. I know that I don’t have it that bad and I know everyone has shitty days. I know that sometimes life just kicks your ass and you just have to rise up from the ass beating. I know, I know, I know. This isn’t my first storm and it won’t be my last, but it never makes the fall lighter or easier to rise up from.

So, in closing I leave you all with this and myself as well. Be patient. Everything that is meant for you will always be for you. You can only be defeated if you give up. Keep hanging on, keep floating, keep trying. One day, the very frustrations or troubles that you are facing at this very moment will be almost comical. Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight.

Sincerely, one pissed off person to another.

Show Time

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I’ve finally decided to put my big girl panties on and have a book signing. Since I wrote my first book,When the Past Comes Knock’N, I have wanted to host a book signing, but I was too shy and fearful to do so. Since authoring and publishing my first book, I’ve written two more,”Legit and Twenty Something. It is simply time to get my feet wet and it is time for me to step into the true essence of the life of an author. I can’t be scared to step out on faith and I can’t keep delaying the process.

I’ve looked into a few venues (free spaces). I intend to look into libraries near my home and as a last resort I plan to speak with my employer to see if I can host my event at our school.I don’t want my book signing to be thrown together, but I’m defiantly aiming to have it sometime over the Summer. My friend suggested that I ask my guest to bring a plus one to help add to my audience. I would like the book signing to be intimate seeing that it is my first one,but nonetheless still want it to be professional. This will be my first time hosting an event and it will be my first time speaking publicly about my book. I’m nervous, but this is something that I need to do, its a step in the right direction towards not only achieving one of my goals as well as overcoming a fear. I’m excited and I’m hopeful that this will be one of many book signings. I’ve done some research about how to host a book signing, but in the end I can make it what I want to be.

My friend keeps reminding me that I’m an author, that I’ve actually written books and have them published. I spend a lot of time discrediting myself and not taking pride in my accomplishments. I’ve never been confident in announcing that I am an author, that’s a constant battle.I’m working to over come my doubts and fears in myself and with that, I hope this post serves as a boost of confidence for someone else. I know how scary it can be to follow your dreams, but you just have to swallow your fears and walk in faith. Even if you fall, God will catch you. Even if you fail, at-least you tried.

It is time to be fearless and claim the victory!

 

 

http://www.amberjgraham.com

Finding,Amber!

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I know, I stink at this whole blogging gig. (Sad face) I’m not consistent enough with writing a post once a week to save someone else’s life, better yet my own. I could say it’s because I’m so busy or because work has me so mentally exhausted. But, it’s honestly because I’m not organized and because I don’t plan out my time well enough to incorporate blogging into my week. I really enjoy blogging and I hope people enjoy reading my blog, so PLEASE, PLEASE cooperate with me as I pull my life together and get myself on track. One day, I don’t know when but one day, I’ll be consistent and consistently interesting!

After saying all that let’s do this!

When I moved to Ohio I started spending way too much on fast-food, like way too much. I probably buy pizza every Friday and don’t get me started on how many visits I’ve made to Chickfila. They have the best breakfast sandwiches. Places like Marcos Pizza and Chickfila are convenient and easy, therefore they have gotten all of my coins.  I looked in the mirror the other day then looked at a picture from 2014 before I left Detroit, major difference. I’ve gained more than a few pounds. I decided to challenge myself, for the entire month of February I will not be eating meat and I’ve cut back on fried foods,have incorporated more veggies and fruits into my diet and. I’ve also been drinking more than a gallon of water everyday or at-least trying to. This has forced me to try new foods and an added bonus is that I’ve been saving money by not eating out every other day.

 I also realized that sometimes I curse way too much and that I needed to be closer to God because my life just going well or “right” with me living without God’s direction. Overall I had and have to adjust certain things about myself and my life. I started to pray to be a better person. I started to pray for my state of mind to be shifted, to have the thoughts of my imagination cast down along with an abundance of other prayers. I also started a prayer book. I literally write to God as if I’m writing a letter to my bestfriend. God has been working with me and I’m slowly starting to see myself in a different light. I’ve been seeing change within myself from the inside, out.  I’m much happier than I was a month ago or even a week ago. Yes, I stumble and have bad days. Curse words still fly out of my mouth from time to time and I still have moments where my temper gets the best of me but I’m learning and growing. My thought pattern has elevated and I’m on an entirely different path.  Everyday is a blessing and I’m excited for my journey and what is yet to come.

In closing, I would like to say this,stand strong in who you’re. Be confident in the person that you’re and do not fold because people of this world don’t understand or agree with who you’re and what your journey is. If you believe in God than trust in Him. Walk in his path and allow him to navigate your path.

 

 

 

Stay blessed!

 

Walking by FAITH!

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Lately I’ve been trying to get more in tune with the Word of God and actually understand what I’m reading. I want to live by His words and not just throw out scriptures here and there. I also try to journal my thoughts, prayers and frustrations. Most days I’m consistent with writing something and some times I skip two or four days and write really long entries the following day(s). I haven’t worked my way up to going to church every Sunday because honestly I stay up too late on Saturday and just don’t get up on time,which isn’t a good excuse. (Not that there ever is a good enough excuse.) I find myself listening to Joel Olsteen podcast and occasionally I will blast gospel music in the car. I pray every morning and every night or at-least I try to. Whenever I feel myself getting worked up,I say a prayer. I will admit, I still struggle with a lot of things such as not getting angry as much and remaining positive despite any daily hardships. Nonetheless, I’m learning!  I’m learning to not lean on my own understand and to trust in God. I’m learning to listen to God when he tells me to do something. I’m learning to humble myself and right my wrongs. The funny thing about God is, he will put you in some uncomfortable positions and make you do some things that you really don’t want to do, in order to get you where you need to be. I’m learning every day how to walk in faith and to not walk by sight. To worry less and to pray more. To listen for understanding and not just to speak. To be quiet and protect my words because every waking thought doesn’t need to be heard. To think before I speak and act. To adjust my way of thinking because my thoughts will become my actions.

I still have a long way to go but each day I just try to be better than I was the day before. I’m a work in progress but each step I take is bringing me closer to God and the person that I want to be…more humble, wise,forgiving, giving, joyful and most of all faithful to God and His plans for my life.

Concrete Rose

Welcome back!

With this being my second blog post, I wanted to dig into the ideas going through my head and what’s been happening in my life over the last few months. To some, it may just seem like I’m rambling but to others, you may be able to relate.

It has almost been a year since I’ve moved to Ohio. I haven’t done much of anything, other than work and I’ve found a few good restaurants in between working and doing my on-line classes. I’ve failed to make friends outside of work and Lord knows I haven’t met any potential matches as far as dating is concerned. I haven’t found a new church home and I don’t engage in any community activities.I knew people in Ohio prior to moving here but I’m literally always at work so we don’t hang out much. I don’t want to return to Detroit because I feel like there is nothing there for me, other than my family and friends. Even when I lived in Detroit I felt like work and school consumed my life. I basically gave up on my dreams and goals because work became my everything. That’s no way to live. Have you ever felt like you’ve been placed somewhere for a reason but are unaware of the reason? Welp,that’s how I feel! I feel like God placed me in Ohio, in my current career position for a reason…

When I first arrived in the “O”, some months ago I was hopeful. I felt “new”,for a lack of better words. Months later, I feel warn down and beat up. But lately, I’ve been feeling motivated to turn my attitude and life around. I’m focused on trying to better myself and become a better person. I want to completely surrender to God, get my writing on track and just better my entire existence.

You know how you get credit cards and you go a little crazy…GUILTY! Well I paid off all of my credit cards and shredded them. I’m done with being broke. Not having money is a feeling I’m all to familiar with. I want, I need to start saving more money. I don’t want to be 60 years old with no money in my savings account. The second thing I set off to do was finish school. I’ve come too far in my educational journey to give up. I also started back blogging and making You-tube videos more often. I should have never stopped. Yes, working is a priority to survive but my dreams and goals shouldn’t starve because of it. Most importantly, I want to strengthen my relationship with God and surrender all of my love to him. Without God, I feel like no matter what you do things will never be or go right. I’ve also been working on trying to eat better and exercise more. So far, I’ve done Zumba once since I purchased the DVD’s but I plan to do it at-least four times a week. I want to build more friendships and network. I don’t want to end up being an old spinster with two cats and a bird. Lastly, I’m okay with being single,”the man who finds a wife finds a good thing.” 

My co-worker has been really been helping see life in a new light. I realize that I keep a lot of things bottled inside. I’m sensitive but I can also turn around and snap into beast mode. I want to deal with my emotions in a healthy manner and properly handle problems. I have to stop suppressing my pain and frustrations. 

All in all, I don’t mind living a mediocre life but I don’t want to live knowing that I could have done better or that I could have done more. I want to reach my full potential and grow as much as I can mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There is so much that I want to do and see in life and in order to do those things I can’t limit myself to the four corners of my job. I want to live up to my fullest potential and experience what God has in store for me.

See beauty in your growth,just like roses in the concrete.

Until next time, be blessed and stay focused.

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