I was recently asked did I plan on dating. I was amused, yet shocked by the question,mainly by who asked the question. Until I was asked did I plan on dating, I hadn’t put much thought behind the idea. Would I like a boyfriend, of course. But do I actually go out to meet men, or even come off as if I’m looking for a man, no. I’m not even sure why that is, maybe I’ve just gotten so used to being alone. I can’t even remember the last time I met a man and actually took him seriously. I guess that’s why I haven’t attempted to go and wrangler up potential suitors. Also, my last serious relationship broke me emotionally, I’m somewhat afraid to jump back into the dating ring because of that.
I was also asked had I tried online dating. I laughed. Most dating sites are filled with men looking for someone to have a fling with and not necessarily someone to build with. And, I most certainly do not want to pay for sites such as Match.com. I’ve created profiles on dating sites in the past but eventually remove them simply because you have to pay for a subscription and/or because the process becomes so redundant. I don’t feel inclined to pay a company to find me a mate, if that’s the case, I’ll just stay single.
I haven’t seriously dated someone in over a year. I’ve held plenty of conversations with men but none of those conversations interested me enough to get to know the men further. Most men don’t even know how to hold a conversation better yet maintain a relationship. Do I sound bitter? I guess I’m just tired of the whole talking for a few weeks then having the guy change practically over night. The whole process of dating is annoying.
Despite my reservations,I guess eventually I’ll have to get a grip and jump back into the dating scene. After all, I would like to get married and build a family. But for now, I guess I’m just focused on getting to know myself better and focusing on what I want in life.
I’ve been making YouTube videos off and on for a few years now. I upload videos then after so long I delete them. I’ve enjoyed watching my growth over the years and I’ve enjoyed interacting with my subscribers. Well, recently I debated deleting not only my videos but my entire channel. I was discouraged. After a few years, I only have 273 subscribers. That was very discouraging and wasn’t reassuring to my efforts in making videos.It wasn’t until someone reminded me that those 273 people look forward to my content. Those 273 people enjoy my videos. A lot of people have tried to tell me to approach certain topics that may be more interesting and to speak and behave in a certain manner but then I remembered…I earned those 273 subscribers by being myself. I think, well I know I was too focused on other people and their Youtube numbers, that created a lot of self doubt. I had to put my pride aside and remember why I originally started making YouTube videos. It wasn’t to get paid or to be an Internet sensation. I started making videos for people to relate to, for people to have an outlet. I had to humble myself and carry on. I have to keep reminding that there at 273 people in this world who appreciate what I do and to me, that is enough for me to continue recording.
At times we all get discouraged and there are even times when we doubt ourselves. But even then, we have to stay focused and to keep our heads in the game. There should never be a point in time that you give up on a goal because it isn’t happening as fast as you would like it to happen or because it isn’t as easy as you though it would be. And always remember, success is nothing but perspective, stop comparing yourself to other people.
Lately I’ve been trying to get more in tune with the Word of God and actually understand what I’m reading. I want to live by His words and not just throw out scriptures here and there. I also try to journal my thoughts, prayers and frustrations. Most days I’m consistent with writing something and some times I skip two or four days and write really long entries the following day(s). I haven’t worked my way up to going to church every Sunday because honestly I stay up too late on Saturday and just don’t get up on time,which isn’t a good excuse. (Not that there ever is a good enough excuse.) I find myself listening to Joel Olsteen podcast and occasionally I will blast gospel music in the car. I pray every morning and every night or at-least I try to. Whenever I feel myself getting worked up,I say a prayer. I will admit, I still struggle with a lot of things such as not getting angry as much and remaining positive despite any daily hardships. Nonetheless, I’m learning! I’m learning to not lean on my own understand and to trust in God. I’m learning to listen to God when he tells me to do something. I’m learning to humble myself and right my wrongs. The funny thing about God is, he will put you in some uncomfortable positions and make you do some things that you really don’t want to do, in order to get you where you need to be. I’m learning every day how to walk in faith and to not walk by sight. To worry less and to pray more. To listen for understanding and not just to speak. To be quiet and protect my words because every waking thought doesn’t need to be heard. To think before I speak and act. To adjust my way of thinking because my thoughts will become my actions.
I still have a long way to go but each day I just try to be better than I was the day before. I’m a work in progress but each step I take is bringing me closer to God and the person that I want to be…more humble, wise,forgiving, giving, joyful and most of all faithful to God and His plans for my life.