Pity-Party

 

Have you ever felt defeated and just drained of the last ounce of hope and patience that you have? That’s how I feel today. I’m just tired. Tired of the redundancy of my job. Tired of school. Tired of not being appreciated. Tired of living a life that I don’t enjoy. Tired of waking up everyday dreading going to work, thinking of the task that I may be forced to face.

Maybe I’m writing this because I’m in a rather shitty mood,but everything I say is true,despite the fury in my words at the current moment.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for all that I have, even my job regardless of how much I currently dislike it. And yes, I’m aware that changing my life is in my hands, but that becomes  rather difficult when all the effort that you put into making a transition doesn’t seem to ever go in your favor.

Now I was fine this morning. My morning started with blueberry muffin and a coffee from Starbucks. I had my music blasting and enjoyed my Starbucks on the way to work.  I was even fine when I walked through the door at work, even though 99 people walk by one another and don’t bother to speak, but whatever! Then I got a missed a call. A call basically informing me that I didn’t get the job that I applied for.  It was one of those, please call back to discuss the next step of employment. I already knew it was a no, but my co-workers kept trying to convince me that I was wrong. I called back and that’s exactly what it was.

I can deal with not getting a job, but it pissed me off because I’m an internal applicant and they knew from day one that they weren’t going to hire me, but instead they put me through hoops giving me the illusion that I was eligible for the position. I understand formalities and all of that, but are you kidding me? Let’s just keep it 100 and not waste anybody’s time. The job was in another state and I think I just wanted so badly to move and to start over that it all together crushed my spirit and irritated the depth of my soul. After all this is the second time they’ve led me on about a job. I know what you’re thinking;Amber maybe you just suck. Nope,I got exceeds expectations on my last performance review and I’ve gotten three awards since being employed. I do my job, and I think I do it well. As my mother said, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

Despite that shit storm, in general nothing seems to be going my way. Every job I’ve applied for, denied. Every query letter I’ve sent for my books, declined. I even suck at being in college. 120 credits but my residency requirement hasn’t been fulfilled;degree declined. Let’s not mention the fact that Donald Trump won the presidential election last night. That alone has me ready to dive off of a cliff. Like what theeeeeee fuck!?!

Let me have my 60 second pity party, y’all. I’m going to pull it together and I know things could be worse. I know that I don’t have it that bad and I know everyone has shitty days. I know that sometimes life just kicks your ass and you just have to rise up from the ass beating. I know, I know, I know. This isn’t my first storm and it won’t be my last, but it never makes the fall lighter or easier to rise up from.

So, in closing I leave you all with this and myself as well. Be patient. Everything that is meant for you will always be for you. You can only be defeated if you give up. Keep hanging on, keep floating, keep trying. One day, the very frustrations or troubles that you are facing at this very moment will be almost comical. Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight.

Sincerely, one pissed off person to another.

Searching

 

Who am I? 

I know what I like to do. I know what makes me happy.  I know my strengths and my weaknesses, but what is the driving force behind the very things that define me?

I’m a daughter, a sister,an aunt, a student and a writer, but in the end none of these things define who I am. They add substance to my being and they contribute to who I am, but still they do not define my identity. I believe that who we are goes far beyond what we like to do and the titles that both ourselves and others label us with. Defining who we are includes how we treat others when they can’t do anything for us, how we act when we’re angry, who we are when people aren’t paying attention, and a variety of other things.

Discovering who I am has become a priority, but it is my opinion that self-discovery is a virtue and not a  destination. As we grow and as we change, we define and re-define ourselves. It is important to remain true to our character as we do so. Character is the foundation of our moral and mental qualities. I want to find and understand my purpose. I want to exude positive vibes and live up to my own metrics of success. I want to break down barriers of who I thought I was and focus on personal growth and new experiences.

I complied a list of things that I believe to be important in finding yourself:

1. Understand past events that have helped shaped you into the person that you are presently.
2. Distinguish your thoughts from the thoughts of others.
3. Find your confidence.
4. Overcome bad habits and forgive yourself for your mistakes.
5. Organize and prioritize your life. Put things in perspective.
6. Remove pressures created by the rest of the world.
7. Question yourself and the world around you.
8. Be courageous. Understand that failure is apart of the journey.
9. Lose yourself to find yourself, in the words of Gandhi.

 

 

“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?”

-Danielle LaPorte

Find Your Joy!

When it all boils down to it, would you rather have a job that you hate but it brings you wealth, or a job that doesn’t bring you wealth but allows you to live comfortably and it makes you happy?

I’ve spent my adulthood (I’m 25) working jobs that I hate but nonetheless have allowed me to maintain minor luxuries.  My co-worker and I had a discussion today about our jobs vs our happiness. We both agreed that we would rather be happy than make x-amount of dollars. Nonetheless, we can’t be foolish and say screw our jobs, let’s go live on a beach and catch sea turtles.  I would love to spend my time on this earth doing what I love to do but then I stopped to ask myself, “What is it that I love doing? What would bring me joy? What would I love doing even if it didn’t make me wealthy? Writing is the only thing that came to mind. I would love to travel and blog. Take pictures and write stories. Oh, and cook and eat! Realistically without having enough savings and some sort of income I probably won’t be able to do that. I guess that’s the irony of life. We get jammed up working jobs that we dislike, hoping that one day we can live out the dreams that we’ve engineered.

Sometimes I feel stuck,trapped in places that I hate. But, I know things will change, I just have to be patient and pray. I have to wait on Gods timing. I know that this is apart of my journey.  I know that I have to keep writing and become a better writer than what I am now. I have to master my craft and invest in myself. I leave you all with this,fight for what you want! Fight for your dreams and fight for your happiness!  Find your joy and figure out how to make money from it. Don’t give up, you are closer to bliss than you think!