Pity-Party

 

Have you ever felt defeated and just drained of the last ounce of hope and patience that you have? That’s how I feel today. I’m just tired. Tired of the redundancy of my job. Tired of school. Tired of not being appreciated. Tired of living a life that I don’t enjoy. Tired of waking up everyday dreading going to work, thinking of the task that I may be forced to face.

Maybe I’m writing this because I’m in a rather shitty mood,but everything I say is true,despite the fury in my words at the current moment.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for all that I have, even my job regardless of how much I currently dislike it. And yes, I’m aware that changing my life is in my hands, but that becomes  rather difficult when all the effort that you put into making a transition doesn’t seem to ever go in your favor.

Now I was fine this morning. My morning started with blueberry muffin and a coffee from Starbucks. I had my music blasting and enjoyed my Starbucks on the way to work.  I was even fine when I walked through the door at work, even though 99 people walk by one another and don’t bother to speak, but whatever! Then I got a missed a call. A call basically informing me that I didn’t get the job that I applied for.  It was one of those, please call back to discuss the next step of employment. I already knew it was a no, but my co-workers kept trying to convince me that I was wrong. I called back and that’s exactly what it was.

I can deal with not getting a job, but it pissed me off because I’m an internal applicant and they knew from day one that they weren’t going to hire me, but instead they put me through hoops giving me the illusion that I was eligible for the position. I understand formalities and all of that, but are you kidding me? Let’s just keep it 100 and not waste anybody’s time. The job was in another state and I think I just wanted so badly to move and to start over that it all together crushed my spirit and irritated the depth of my soul. After all this is the second time they’ve led me on about a job. I know what you’re thinking;Amber maybe you just suck. Nope,I got exceeds expectations on my last performance review and I’ve gotten three awards since being employed. I do my job, and I think I do it well. As my mother said, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

Despite that shit storm, in general nothing seems to be going my way. Every job I’ve applied for, denied. Every query letter I’ve sent for my books, declined. I even suck at being in college. 120 credits but my residency requirement hasn’t been fulfilled;degree declined. Let’s not mention the fact that Donald Trump won the presidential election last night. That alone has me ready to dive off of a cliff. Like what theeeeeee fuck!?!

Let me have my 60 second pity party, y’all. I’m going to pull it together and I know things could be worse. I know that I don’t have it that bad and I know everyone has shitty days. I know that sometimes life just kicks your ass and you just have to rise up from the ass beating. I know, I know, I know. This isn’t my first storm and it won’t be my last, but it never makes the fall lighter or easier to rise up from.

So, in closing I leave you all with this and myself as well. Be patient. Everything that is meant for you will always be for you. You can only be defeated if you give up. Keep hanging on, keep floating, keep trying. One day, the very frustrations or troubles that you are facing at this very moment will be almost comical. Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight.

Sincerely, one pissed off person to another.

Searching

 

Who am I? 

I know what I like to do. I know what makes me happy.  I know my strengths and my weaknesses, but what is the driving force behind the very things that define me?

I’m a daughter, a sister,an aunt, a student and a writer, but in the end none of these things define who I am. They add substance to my being and they contribute to who I am, but still they do not define my identity. I believe that who we are goes far beyond what we like to do and the titles that both ourselves and others label us with. Defining who we are includes how we treat others when they can’t do anything for us, how we act when we’re angry, who we are when people aren’t paying attention, and a variety of other things.

Discovering who I am has become a priority, but it is my opinion that self-discovery is a virtue and not a  destination. As we grow and as we change, we define and re-define ourselves. It is important to remain true to our character as we do so. Character is the foundation of our moral and mental qualities. I want to find and understand my purpose. I want to exude positive vibes and live up to my own metrics of success. I want to break down barriers of who I thought I was and focus on personal growth and new experiences.

I complied a list of things that I believe to be important in finding yourself:

1. Understand past events that have helped shaped you into the person that you are presently.
2. Distinguish your thoughts from the thoughts of others.
3. Find your confidence.
4. Overcome bad habits and forgive yourself for your mistakes.
5. Organize and prioritize your life. Put things in perspective.
6. Remove pressures created by the rest of the world.
7. Question yourself and the world around you.
8. Be courageous. Understand that failure is apart of the journey.
9. Lose yourself to find yourself, in the words of Gandhi.

 

 

“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?”

-Danielle LaPorte

What is Life?

At twenty-five years old most would think that I have a clear plan on what I want to do and how to go about doing it. Nope, not at all.

I know writing is a passion, but trying to figure out what to do with my writing abilities is a task in itself.

I love cooking, but I don’t think I want to be a chef. I already succumb to way too much pressure simply trying cooking for people that I know. I guess I’m a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to cooking and baking. I once baked the same cake four times trying to make it perfect.

I’ve thought about being an actress, but I probably couldn’t amuse a group of children reading Little Red Riding Hood, so I think that’s out as well.

Some days I consider selling all of my worldly possessions to travel,but I think considering how much student loan debt that I have, I better chill with that idea.

I considering being  an English teacher, but I don’t have the patience to learn the appropriate way to use commas and other forms of punctuation. I can’t teach others to misuse punctuation. What can I say,I write, I don’t edit!

Often times I have considered starting a publishing company, but I don’t think I would last in that arena.

I’ve pretty much had the same type of jobs since I graduated high school and I haven’t explored other options outside of volunteering and personal trial and errors. I haven’t found anything that I’m like,yeah I could do this for the rest of my life. I get confused and often redirect my attention to new goals and new plans. Perhaps I try to bite off more than I can chew, which has prevented me from tapping into my full potential. I have so many great ideas in my head,but sometimes I struggle acting on them. I often times don’t know where to end or where to begin. I know I can come off as a cluster f%#k, but I’m trying to figure things out. I’m trying to define my own meaning of life instead of being jaded into societies definition. I finally came to the realization that it’s okay to not know, it’s okay to be a work in progress. It’s okay to not be  okay.

Day by day, I try to be better than I was the day before and that’s all any of us can do. I had to learn to stop comparing myself to other people. I had to stop measuring my success next to other people. I had to strip myself of labels and define who I am. I had to understand that despite my age, I’m still growing, I’m still transforming.

What is life? Well that’s entirely up to you!

…be successfully you

 

 

Show Time

 

I’ve finally decided to put my big girl panties on and have a book signing. Since I wrote my first book,When the Past Comes Knock’N, I have wanted to host a book signing, but I was too shy and fearful to do so. Since authoring and publishing my first book, I’ve written two more,”Legit and Twenty Something. It is simply time to get my feet wet and it is time for me to step into the true essence of the life of an author. I can’t be scared to step out on faith and I can’t keep delaying the process.

I’ve looked into a few venues (free spaces). I intend to look into libraries near my home and as a last resort I plan to speak with my employer to see if I can host my event at our school.I don’t want my book signing to be thrown together, but I’m defiantly aiming to have it sometime over the Summer. My friend suggested that I ask my guest to bring a plus one to help add to my audience. I would like the book signing to be intimate seeing that it is my first one,but nonetheless still want it to be professional. This will be my first time hosting an event and it will be my first time speaking publicly about my book. I’m nervous, but this is something that I need to do, its a step in the right direction towards not only achieving one of my goals as well as overcoming a fear. I’m excited and I’m hopeful that this will be one of many book signings. I’ve done some research about how to host a book signing, but in the end I can make it what I want to be.

My friend keeps reminding me that I’m an author, that I’ve actually written books and have them published. I spend a lot of time discrediting myself and not taking pride in my accomplishments. I’ve never been confident in announcing that I am an author, that’s a constant battle.I’m working to over come my doubts and fears in myself and with that, I hope this post serves as a boost of confidence for someone else. I know how scary it can be to follow your dreams, but you just have to swallow your fears and walk in faith. Even if you fall, God will catch you. Even if you fail, at-least you tried.

It is time to be fearless and claim the victory!

 

 

http://www.amberjgraham.com

The Publishing World

 

 

I would like to extend my apologies for taking a little under a month to write a new post. My head has been in the clouds lately. We’re almost half way through 2016 and I feel stagnant. I’m standing on my faith that God has a plan for me, but I nonetheless feel out of sorts. Between work and school, most days I just want to cuddle with my imaginary boyfriend, eat snacks and watch old episodes of Law and Order SVU.

Back to your regularly scheduled program…

As some of you may know, I recently published my third book,”Twenty Something.” I went the route of self publishing all three of my novels, but I recently realized that I just don’t have the gusto to promote myself and my work. That is pretty evident with my lack of blog exposure. I have attempted to utilize my Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts, but have been unsuccessful in my attempts. Maybe I’m too lazy, or maybe I simply lack marketing knowledge. In all honestly, probably both.  Nonetheless, I have decided to try an alternate route. There are several self-publishing companies that offer marketing services. For about $1,000 or more, these companies create press releases and several other author and book exposure propositions. I have been researching these companies and looking into authors who have published genres similar to mine in hopes of gaining a better understanding of the overall process. I also have looked into larger published companies such as Harper Collins, but most of these companies do not take unsolicited work. I finally realize that I can’t do this on my own. I’ve tried to write, edit, sell and promote my books on my own…it’s too much. I just want to focus on one task which is writing.

Over the past few weeks I’ve seen just how vicious the publishing world can be. I’ve sent out several query letters and so far I have been declined twice. It can be a bit discouraging, especially since publishing companies and/or agents don’t give you advice or an explanation as to why they chose not to accept your work. I know I have talent, but when you are denied back to back you begin to question yourself and your abilities. Regardless of the doors that have slammed in my face, I am still hopeful. My plan is to reach out to Simon and Schuster and see what their services entail. My one desire since I decided to write a book has been to be on the New York Times Bestseller list and alone that isn’t happening I’m very hopeful that one day I will be… Stay tuned for updates!

If you are interested in reading more about my books and/or making a purchase please visit my website www.amberjgraham.com 

Eye of the Tiger!

Have you ever presented an idea or goal to someone and they ripped the very thought apart? They tell you all of the reasons why the idea is ridiculous. How your goal is unattainable. Never once do they try to encourage you. They won’t suggest ways to improve, or build from the idea and/or goal you’ve set your mind towards. They completely suck the life out of whatever thoughts you have.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been experiencing people doing just that. They’ve been very dismissive towards my goals and philosophies towards my future. Not only has this been happening at work but it has also been taking place in my personal life. I feel that people try to talk me out of things that they don’t understand or ideas that they can’t mentally picture. I’ve been very combative with myself about this. Thankfully enough, a friend helped me remember that I can’t allow people to talk me out of my goals, simply because they don’t understand my vision. I’ve come to the realization that some people won’t try to visualize my ideas and they have no intention on trying to understand them. Everyone will not understand your aspirations or support them and that’s okay. Nobody on this earth can see your vision as clear as you can. Through history some of the most brilliant ideas were ridiculed. Many of the greatest inventors, scientist, authors and artist were doubted. That alone should boost your confidence, you could very well be the next scientist or poet to be mentioned in history books.

Regardless of who doubts your vision, do not become discouraged. Don’t allow people to strip you of your creativity and passions because they don’t understand your imagination or where you intend to carry your vision. Invest in yourself and invest in your ideas. Have faith that what you visualize will come to pass. Stop doubting yourself because others have invested more doubt than faith in you. Maybe you have one-thousand supporters or maybe you don’t have any, either way…believe in yourself. You are gifted and you are meant to be great!