All posts by regurgitateddreams

Chances Make Champions,Right?

My current place of employment is going through a transition and we are switching to a new management company. Throughout the initial process the new company has been somewhat secretive of their plans. They recently offered me a position and it has been a great debate about whether or not I should accept the job.  For those of you who don’t know, I work at a high school. The new management company is basically starting an entire new program that is K-12 opposed to 9-12. I haven’t the slightest clue what the curriculum or model of the school is going to be, that has yet to be disclosed. On top of that I believe everyone else at the current school was offered a slight raise with the new company and I was not, but that’s beside the point.

This might sound crazy, but I legitimately want to turn down the offer. It’s not about money or their secrecy. It’s about taking a chance on myself. My entire life, I say that as if I’m 65 years old and ready for retirement but you get my point…I’ve worked job after job, always exhausting my energy and never applying pressure to myself to make my dreams flourish. Is it risky business turning down a job in this economy, most certainly but is it even more risky to dedicate yourself to a job instead of living up to your potential,absolutely.  I have until May 5, 2017 to accept the offer and I’m honestly at a loss here. To sign or not to sign, that is the question. I don’t know if I should gamble on myself and not take the job and see where life leads me or continue being content with life working a mediocre job that pays the bills.

In my heart of hearts, I want to be that bold person that leaves the offer on the table to bet on myself, but do I have enough guts to actually do that? Not accepting the job means moving back to Michigan to live with my parents. I’m not too keen on living back with mommy and daddy. Declining would also mean working a job that I probably dislike, but I would have more time to dedicate myself to other things. Then there’s the fact that what if I don’t take the job and still don’t dedicate myself to my goals. Like WTF!? I know I’m being indecisive and I have to make a decision and live with that decision,but damn! How do you make a decision when you don’t know what decision is best in the long run? I wish I could have a glimpse into the next six months of my life, that would make my decision much easier.  Do you rely on stability, or do you take a chance? It’s not like I’m 19 years old and don’t have any bills. I’m 26 going on 27 with a car note, student loans and a costly AT&T bill that will be with me whether I have a job or not. At this moment, being an adult is overrated.

In the end, it is a matter of walking in faith or walking in fear.

 

Tuesday Thoughts

 

detroit-bankruptcy

For those of you who follow my blog, you probably already know that I was born and raised in Detroit, Michigan. The home of the Tigers, Lions, Pistons and Red Wings. The city that drinks Vernors for whatever ales you. The city within a city.  Detroiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttt! Growing up my parents kept me pretty sheltered. They knew who my friends were, who their parents were and I wasn’t allowed to be anywhere without their permission. As a child, I didn’t understand why my parents kept me so guarded, my  understanding of the streets were opaque. It wasn’t until middle school that I began to understand just how rough the streets were and how vicious people could be. Even then, I was still living in darkness about the city around me.

In high school, I had more freedom. My comings and goings were still monitored, but I had a lot of idol time after school, before my parents got home. I became friends and even dated some unsavory characters. I did a lot of things that I shouldn’t have, things that others deemed as normal. I was exposed to different experiences, environments and people,I learned a lot about the streets. My vision become more transparent. A whole new world opened up, not a pretty one either. I started to lose friends because of their involvement in the streets, or simply because they were in the right place at the wrong time. I guess I became numb to death and loss became a normalcy. It wasn’t until recently that I began to take heed to all of the negativity and evil occurrences that continue to transpire in the city. For most of my life I’ve dealt with negative commentary about being from Detroit. Most folks think that we’re all killers and drug dealers;the scum of the earth. In reality, there are truly some amazing people in Detroit and from Detroit. The city is truly discredited for it’s efforts, mainly because of crime rates and mainstream media.

I’ve officially been out of Detroit for three years, I’m actively on the outside looking in. Bad things happen every where, but for a place that you call home to birth so much ugly, both sadness and sickens me. I fear for the lives of my family and my friends. Everyday I see at-least one my friends on social media post RIP to someone they love. I frequently hear about childhood friends being injured or killed at the hands of someone else. Again, horrible events happen everywhere, everyday, but it hurts even more when you are from the very place where events are occurring, when your family and friends are in the mist of it and when you fear for their lives.

I believe that Detroit is diamond in the rough, but like most places people uphold themselves to a different moral code. Neighborhoods have lost courage. Communities are broken, people are broken. People are living in fear. The value of inanimate objects is placed before the value of a human life. Individuals are consumed with greed and under the assumption that they own the streets. People take what they didn’t not earn. So many people have accepted the death and corruption around them that they see no reason to rise up against it.

I pray for change. I pray that people everywhere begin to see the value of other peoples lives. I pray that people begin to see the destruction that they are causing and the lives that they are ruining. I pray that if nothing else, people begin to see the error in their ways.

 

Love and Marriage

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about love, children and marriage. I want a family, I want to build a life beyond myself. I’m ready to share my life with someone for the rest of my life, us against the world. I’m confident in saying that I know who the man is that I want to marry, and who wants to marry me. That sounds crazy seeing that I often blog about being single and not having any love interest. Let me explain. I’ve loved someone since I was sixteen years old, but certain events have kept us apart for the past six years. Now that we are back in each others lives and getting to know our adult selves, I know where I want to be. I’ve always known where I wanted to be, I just was unable to be there. Over the past six years I’ve dated other guys, had conversations, caught feelings,but none as deep as the ones I have for my guy. He’s someone who makes me think about marriage, being a better woman, having children and growing old together. Granted, I’ve never thought about children and marriage before, but I’ve yearned for it the way I do with him. He gives me butterflies and always has. I’m like the female version of him, it’s weird but a good weird. When I’m not with him I always think about it. He supports me. He has my best interest at heart. He motivates me. He loves me despite my flaws and he takes the good with the bad. He treats me like a queen and his actions prove that he loves and cares about me. We learn from each other. I’m confident in following his lead. I don’t mind being submissive to him. While we still have a lot to learn about each other and a lot of growing to do both collectively and individually, I’m enjoying the process.

At this point I guess I’m just rambling, but for those of you who have ever been in love will understand what I mean. In the meant time, I’m being patient and continuing to better myself both as a person and as woman.

Dream Career

There is a difference between being good at what you do and loving what you do. On rare occasion, I cross paths with someone who both loves what they do and are good at it. I also believe  that having a career and having a job are two different things.

It has been rather difficult for me to find my dream career because I have no clue what I want it to be. I know that I’m great at a multitude of things, but I don’t think I’d want to make any of those things into a career. Better yet, a dream career. I love writing, but even with that, I don’t see it as a dream career. If I had time to focus only on my writing, then perhaps I could better visualize writing being my dream job. Writing has always been a passion, but I feel that as a career it would be way too much pressure and take away from the joy of doing it.

I’m also extremely indecisive . One day I want to be a lawyer, the next day I want to own a food truck. Maybe I haven’t experimented with enough job avenues to know what I want my dream career to be.

I can say without a doubt that my dream career has something to do with being my own boss. I do not want to be a slave to a 9-5 job for the rest of my life. I want to make my own hours and not have to answer to a boss.

At 26, I’d hope to have this shit figured out.

 

Sink or Swim

Image result for funny pictures of donald

Here we are ladies and gents,days away from Donald Trumps inauguration. He’s soon to be the 45th president of the United State of America, the free world, the home of the brave, the land of the free…

A vast majority of people are on edge and they have plenty of reason to be. As I gallivant through my social media timelines, I continue to see “Hey,big head” memes directed at Canada. I’ve also seen,”Don’t let your president be the reason you get your ass beat” and “He’s not my president”, memes as well.

It’s a given, Trump doesn’t have the greatest track record with the American people; especially women, people of diverse ethnic backgrounds, small children and perhaps animals. He doesn’t come off as well versed about politics and often dances around questions from both the media and his political opponents. From the outside looking in, he doesn’t appear to have any idea about how to run a country or the oval office. I mean come on, he can’t even properly blend his makeup.

Despite the circus that both he and his campaign parade around, he is in fact going to be our leader. While we may disagree with his viewpoints and sometimes idiotic messages, we shouldn’t pray for his downfall. As president, if he fails, we as nation fail. Think of Donald Trump as the captain of a ship and the ship he is navigating is America. If the captain sinks, so does the ship, so do “WE THE PEOPLE.”

 

On the bright side, this country has overcome greater hurdles than Trump, and we shall overcome this.

Keep on, keeping on!

 

Birthday Blues

Image result for birthday blues

Well, it’s the eve of my 26th birthday. Literally, fifteen minutes until twelve o’clock. I’m not only alone,but I’m lonely. For the very first time in my life I’ll be spending my birthday alone. As I write this I can’t help but to think about the people that I miss. Remembering all of the birthdays with them that I reluctantly took for granted.  All of the birthday cakes favorite dinners that my grandmother would make. The morning unveiling of gifts  because I was too impatient to wait. The silly, yet sentimental cards that I would receive. The gifts that money can’t buy. The gathering to sing happy birthday around the dinner table in honor of little oh me. I wish I could bottle those moments just to preserve them. The older I get the more I yearn for those very moments.

Fifteen minutes later,it is officially midnight. HAPPY BIRTHDAY,to me. As I write this I’m unsure of what to say. I have that dry itch feeling in the back of my throat, the one you feel right before you cry. All day,I’ve tried to pump myself up,but there’s no reverencing this feeling.

I pray that this year brings joy and peace;that I grow in confidence and in strength. I pray that I find my source of happiness and that I become more grounded. I pray for growth and that I not only find my passion but have the courage and curiosity to chase it. I pray for love. I pray that in my 26th year of life I find myself,that I find the richness of life in non-monetary things. I pray to enjoy the simple things, to be more open to new people and new experiences.

Driving Ms. Daisy

On Saturday, I finally decided to give being an Uber driver a go. My first ride was a a guy probably in his late 20’s to early 30’s who was going to a bar to watch the Indians game. He was very friendly and we practically talked the entire ride. He said and I quote,”I’m about set the bar for your passenger standard pretty high.” Most of the riders that I had were younger, simply looking to have a good time. I had a few older couples who hit the wine too hard. Overall, the night itself was an interesting experience. I enjoyed being able to see parts of the city that I’ve never seen and I got to meet some pretty awesome people. It defiantly  pushed me out of my comfort zone and forced to be more of social person,which I’m definitely not.

Driving people around almost feels like a therapy session on wheels. The more comfortable people all the more they talk and the more they tell. It was refreshing to have such a variety of conversations from education to deer hunting.

I’ll admit, I was nervous in the beginning, I watch Criminal Minds and Law and Order SVU way too often, my mind automatically went into detective mode. In the end, I realized the riders are probably just as nervous, if not more than drivers.

I had a few passengers who didn’t want me to follow the navigation directions but instead follow theirs, there were a few backseat drivers then there were the passengers that simply didn’t want to be bothered so I let the music do the talking.

Overall, being a driver is a solid way to make money and a way to meet new people in the process.